a short life

Recently there was a really huge loss in our community. A treasured friend's son made a long term decision for a problem that was insurmountable to him. He really and truly felt that this was the only way for him, and he pondered it for many of his 19 years. You really want to go straight to definable reasons and name this kind of devastating action when it happens so close. His Mom does not know what to do. His Dad is suffering. If he could know what his choice would do to his Mom for the rest of her life, would he have chosen death? How can the human mind grasp  this amazing, gifted, sports savvy, talented, funny, seemingly happy young man's decision? How do we explain the unexplainable or reason the unreasonable? Can we accept this choice he made, be sad and move on?  Mental illness and depression are sneaky for sure. We know this now. Jake taught us this. How do the parents move on? Therapy, grief counseling, groups, are they band aids or real tools. God only knows at this point. Its still so raw. It only happened a couple weeks ago. How long until my friend can experience one of her favorite pastimes and joy's in life and let herself listen to music and enjoy it without guilt or simply smile or laugh without guilt? Or anything without guilt? How do you put one foot in front of the other everyday? One other friend who's daughter was tragically killed in an accident last year says fake it till you make it and then a day may come where you notice that you aren't faking today.

I'm a spiritual gal all the way through. My tools include angels, goddesses, tarot cards, flowers, yoga, positivity, anything I can get to help me be a better woman but I can honestly say that I am not sure what I would do in her shoes. I love my friends so much and there is a sense of helplessness in what you can do to help the pain, it will never go away.

If her son had any inkling or was in any frame of mind to have an inkling of the havoc he would wreak, he would not have hurt his Mom like this. So the place we have to go to is once again, mental illness. It is prevalent in our young folks and maybe we could use a little more education regarding this one time solution kids are choosing more frequently these days than in the past. I dont know any answers, I only witness the pain of those left behind to pick up the pieces and move forward. I love this song that Patty Griffin sings and it resonated with me when I was listening to her album for the millionth time and heard it differently. What if this is what Jake meant in his note? "Mom, just climb up to that mountain and listen for God, or whoever your higher power may be. It will help you, I promise". Its what I heard anyway......

RIP Jake. I hope you are supremely happy and navigating your new existence through peace and joy and I'll watch out for your mama as best as I can. Love you kid. Lesley